somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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