I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize