I faked an abortion last night.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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