I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
