hell yes lets make some ravioli
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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