Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
