Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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