he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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