bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
