I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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