I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
