the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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