Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
