1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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