If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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