he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
