Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
