You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
