this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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