I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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