her vagine was all disorganized.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
