Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
