dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize