so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
