apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
