Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
