i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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