i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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