so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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