I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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