You can't motorboat a personality
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
