I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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