There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
