dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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