We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
