Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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