she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
