I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
