in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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