Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Holy shit dude........stairs
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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