So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
