I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
