Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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