I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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