i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
