he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
