How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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