No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
