I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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