Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
