I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
