Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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