I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
