I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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