i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
