we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
