Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Randomize
