It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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