how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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