I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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