I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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