He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
